How to be Friends with Jesus

I feel really connected to someone when we're riding in the car listening to a song we both know. We start to sing it. The chorus comes and the gusto ensues. There's head-bobbing and fists for microphones. Creative hand movements emerge as well as attempts to make instrumental sounds with our mouth. We serenade each other and if we're feeling really audacious, we sing to the person in the next car.

Maybe we're off key, mumbling through words, and the back seat friend is shaking their head, but we don't care. We are vulnerable and free in that moment and that's the way we like it. 

Something crazy to think about is that you can have that kind of friendship with the Creator of the universe. Yes, you can. It seems impossible, but that's the very reason you're alive right now. God wants you. It's like the lame kid at school hanging out with the popular kid. It's like the poor man and the rich man sharing a meal. It's beautiful.

It's also simple. It might seem complicated, but it's not. A friendship with Jesus looks more like singing in the car and less like fancy, distant prayers and lofty speech about the Bible.

But let's not get crazy. You've gotta pray and read the Bible. How can you be friends with someone if you don't talk (pray) or know about them (Bible)? If you're pursuing a friendship with Jesus and you're not doing those things consistently, then that needs to change. You also need to be friends with his friends (church). Yep, you outta go to church, too.

But on the other hand, let's do get crazy. Tell him everything you wouldn't tell anyone else and say it the way you need to say it. Honestly, Jesus isn't impressed with cute prayers. No lip service here. He wants you to be real. Once, I was talking to him about something frustrating. I said "bull crap" over and over again while I ground my teeth and punched something. Why? I was being honest in front of my friend. I can boldly talk to the King in all His glory, still revere him, and be utterly vulnerable all at once.

When I mess up, yeah he's not happy about it, but he's forgiving and patient. He never nags and will never condescend. He usually says "You know, that's okay... you're more than that and you'll make it next time." If I don't realize that I'm messing up, he kindly lets me know and encourages me to step up my game.  I don't perform in order to be accepted. I'm accepted already, so I perform. He gives the power to overcome things that distract and trip me. Little by little, I'm changing and my new DNA I got when we first became friends is beginning to show up in my character. That's what happens.

"If anyone is in Christ they are a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

The bottom line is we work so hard at our relationships with people. Text messages and phone calls, likes and retweets, lunch dates, movie nights, jam sessions, book clubs, fist bumps and bear hugs. What about Jesus? He's like the friend we invite to our house who awkwardly sits on the couch while we're consumed by life on a screen. We need to realize his presence. Realize that he speaks your language. He laughs at that YouTube video with such vivacious laughter. He coaches you while you're running up that hill at the park. He compliments the way you look while getting ready in the morning. He reminds you to pay that bill. He gives you strength to keep going during an ugly, confusing time.

You can be someone and do things beyond what you'd ever think.
Jesus loves you and he paid for your freedom with his life.

He wants to live with you in this life and in eternity.
Friendship with Jesus is the only life that will fill the emptiness that the greatest things on earth could never fill.

"This is the way to have eternal life--to know you the only true God and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth." John 17:3

Why do we even need God? Part 2- No Real Value

Continuing from the first post: "Why do we even need God?" To read it, go here.

Before I continue, I'd just like to make something clear. I hope that from these somewhat philosophical/existential blog posts that I offer this information with gentleness and respect. I hope that it serves as a basis for some critical thinking on your own time. My goal is not to sound pessimistic or judgmental, but my hope is that, whatever your world view, this would point directly to a need for God. And, ultimately, that you might embrace Him if you have not. For believers, I hope this is an encouragement to you--that you would be overwhelmed with joy that life has meaning and to focus on things that are eternal and not things that will fade away. 

So from the first post, we've concluded that without God, an eternal-life-giver, this physical life including the universe, is all that we can know and experience for an extremely small amount of time. Without God as our Creator, we are just "star stuff" as some philosophers (i.e. Carl Sagan) have put it.

So from this premise, we can also objectively state that without God, life has no value.

2. There is no value.

Value has to do with right and wrong, good and evil. If your life is going to end soon and you are just a speck of dust in an immensely vast, accidental, and complicated universe, then it really doesn't matter how you choose to live. If you want, you can live exactly like the terrorists in ISIS or like the pope. There is no objective (based on fact) truth about morality that applies to every human. There's only subjective (based on opinion, personally relative) judgments. So, there is no way to determine what is good or what is evil. And if that's true, then you have no right to judge Adolf Hitler. 

Why? Because murdering millions of a race of people may be wrong for you, but it wasn't wrong for him. You also don't have permission to look down on a child abuser or a serial killer. Also, you can't say that Mother Teresa was good. What does that even mean? Is taking care of dying people a good thing? I don't know... it depends. It's true for her but not true for someone else.  Is there something wrong with rape? We can't say that there is... but most people prefer not to be raped. 

If there's no way to differentiate right and wrong, then the next time I'm waiting for an old lady to walk across the parking lot at Kroger, I might as well just run her over with my car because I'm feeling a little impatient. She's probably going to die soon anyway. I could argue that I'm doing her a favor by ending her meaningless life. Who said that was wrong? What right do they have to say that? How do they have that authority? No one does because, basically, we're all just beings made from the same material as cattle. 

BUT if there's a God, then there is right and wrong and there is a universal standard of morality that's true for every human. Rape is wrong in all places, at all times, for all people. Treating others with respect is right in every society, in every time period, and for every person. Compassion and brotherhood makes sense to everyone. We don't have to create our own values based on our own culture and ideas, but we have something reliable that comes from a perfect Being who is Love himself. 

Why do we even need God?

You're a pretty decent person, I'm guessing. Maybe you've never done anything that's majorly horrible and maybe you have a pretty average life. I assume you got yourself ready this morning and brought yourself to wherever you had to be. You like your friends and you like what you do. You decided what you were going to eat and you chose what movie or TV show you wanted to watch.  

For the most part, if you had to, you could do life pretty much on your own. Set your own rules, go at your own pace, live life exactly the way you wanted to live it. You'd be juuuust fine.

If my assumptions have been mostly correct, then I'll make another assumption: Most people genuinely think they don't need God. 

Some have said this explicitly and some live like God is just a thing that may or may not exist. If they believe he does exist, then he's not a critical part of life. And if a person thinks he doesn't exist, then his non-existence has no significant impact on humanity or the universe. 

People don't realize what it would mean if there were no God. I want you to consider a few very significant implications of a universe without God. But before you see them, let's make a couple of things crystal clear. 

  God ≠ Religion

God = perfect Creator who gives eternal life; a PERSON

So if there is a God, then he created everything, he is personal, and he gives eternal life to humans. And if there is no eternal-life-giver, then there is no eternal life. That means humans are doomed to death and so is the universe. Yes, the universe isn't going to last forever. And as for you, after something like a hundred years, you'll be gone. Gone, gone, gone.

So I dare to say this: without God, life has no meaning, no value, and no purpose. Believers and non-believers alike have searched and analyzed these implications and all have come to the same conclusion: life is absurd. The following points (taken from On Guard by William Lane Craig) won't prove God's existence, but it will prove the absolute absurdity of life without him.

*I'll break it up for you and post the other main points in separate blogs. Consider this Part 1.

If there is no God, then...

1. There is no meaning.

Meaning has to do with why something matters. So you're here for a little while on this accidental rock spinning in outer space. This accidental rock and these coincidental cosmos were caused by nothing. In essence, your life was also caused by nothing because it came from a universe that was caused by nothing. You are composed of material. You are just "stuff." You have no soul or spirit. You're just a mind and a body.

Now, imagine a cigarette lighter clicking on and then off. Picture a mist of perfume spraying from its pump and then fading away in seconds. The fragrance may linger, but it will be gone soon enough. That's your life. It is extremely minuscule compared to the length of the beginning and end of time. Think of all the billions and billions of people who have ever lived. You are one person out of all of them. That means you are a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of all humans. 

Sure, you have good things in your life, nice friends, and maybe a significant other who is the world to you. But just like you, those things and those people won't be here much longer. You may be working to achieve something great, but if you're not going to be here a hundred years from now driving your car and updating your Facebook account, why all the fuss? You might get remembered for something and you might cure cancer, but, think about it--the sun is going to eventually burn out. The stars and planets and galaxies will become litter. You might say that it already is litter. Everything that you see will be gone. Whatever you are living for right now will ultimately not matter. 

BUT if there is a God, then we have a chance to do things that will have an impact (literally) forever, because forever is a reality with God. If God exists, then we have a chance to live not only this life in this created, non-accidental world, but also in eternity (forever) with our good and perfect Creator. If this personal God is real, then we have the opportunity to not just know about him, but actually know him.

And that's pretty meaningful. 

When I Get to Heaven

In Heaven, everything (food, health, emotions, relationships, entertainment, travel, education, government, opportunities for success) will be better than it is here times infinity. Lately, I've been spending my in-between-obligations-time thinking about it. These are some of the dreams of Heaven I've pictured in my mind. I'm not saying that these concepts can be found in Scripture, but I am saying that this life here, this litter box of a place we think is home, is nothing.

When I get to Heaven....

Maybe I'll be a seven-year-old child. If not, then I will be the most lively, jubilant, free spirit I've ever seen.

I will have my own personal angel who sings to me. On a scale of 1 to 10, his singing is one billion, two-hundred million, seven hundred sixty-one thousand, four hundred twenty-seven. The kind of singing that makes flowers pop out of the ground and bloom.

There will be live music in nearly every part of the city; like open air concerts. Whoever is playing whatever kind of music, you just have to walk there and watch them. It will be the greatest musical talent that ever was. They will sing creative, original lyrics that have deep meaning. Every song will be a story that hits home.

People from all kinds of places will be there. People from the North, South, East, and West. People representing all of the 7,000 languages of the world (not to mention languages that have passed away). People who wear wraps on their heads. People with dark skin, tan skin, ivory skin. People who make their own homes (except they won't have to here). People who wear suits and people who wear plain white t-shirts. People who like football and people who like a good book. I will get to meet them, eat with them, dance with them, make music with them, and share stories with them. And we'll talk and sing and laugh and eat and dance for a long time. Maybe several weeks will pass and we won't even realize it.
Maybe we'll decide to play a few games of ultimate Frisbee on the surface of a near by lake. We'll launch each other into the air and come crashing beneath the water.

Everyone will be so drunk with the Holy Spirit, that not even the most critical person will find a reason for criticism. Everyone will think that every other person is the most amazing creation in the realm of existence. There will be no ideal body type or personality. The tall, slender, white female idealism will be completely gone. Even the freckle-iest, frumpiest, twirpy-iest, physical "impeferctions" will be replaced with perfections. Green eyes will be even greener, blue eyes, bluer, black eyes like deep ebony, and brown eyes will be browner. They will shine with radiance and captivate anyone who looks.

I will meet with friends and relatives who had passed away while I was on earth and witness the inexpressible joy between reunited family members hugging, crying, and wiping each other's tears of joy.

My heroes will be there. I plan to sit underneath a tree on a Persian rug with Queen Esther and some others like Corrie Ten Boom, Amy Carmichael, and Rosa Parks. I will spend hours listening to them talk of stories of their moments of fear and courage. I will go for a run with Eric Liddell. Elisabeth Elliot will ask me to co-author a book. I'll shoot some hoops with Jeremy Lin (because I'll actually enjoy basketball). Keith Green will teach me how to play piano and write Jesus songs. Noah will help me build a tree house. Joseph will help me build several sets of book cases, tables, and chairs for my house. From the most famous heroes of the faith to those who I've never heard of... they'll all be there and we will be good friends.

No one will ever feel alone nor will they feel too overwhelmed by being around so many people for such a long time. I won't feel like I need some alone time to recharge, but, at the same time, will be completely understood by my billions and billions of friends if I want to go alone on a month-long (or however they'll measure that) venture on my horse (or unicorn) through the mountains. On the other side of the mountains, I'll ride to the beach that stretches for several miles. There, I'll meet my Love. My Jesus. We'll walk along the beach holding hands, talking about our deepest desires, singing old hymns, start a fire, and star gaze. We'll decide to go swimming and then we'll dive deep under the surface of the ocean and swim miles deep. We won't come back up until after a few days pass.

When we get back to the beach, He'll pull out the blueprints of an enormous sand castle. We don't rush to finish. We have all of eternity.

I'll travel back to my house because beginning with the next sunrise, I'll start working on my 27th Ph.D. I will be an expert in pretty much every field of study that I have a slight inclination towards: psychology, linguistics, anatomy, physiology, botany, chemistry, etymology, music theory, economics, the study of insects, the history of the world, literature, philosophy, the supernatural, art, astronomy, culinary arts, pedagogy, mechanical/electric engineering, anthropology, geology, medicine, animal science, physics, sociology, architecture, and... well... whatever else I can possibly be an expert about.

I'll be a teacher of all of these subjects and my students will be extremely motivated so I won't have to incorporate the grading system into their education. I'll also be a student. I long to attend a class taught by C.S. Lewis, Martin Luther, Deitrich Bonhoffer, G.K. Chesterton, A.W. Tozer, or Ralph Waldo Emerson.

We won't really have to do any research (unless we just wanna have some fun) because all truth is archived somewhere in some gargantuan library, not to mention Jesus will be there to tell us everything we want to know. Especially all the questions concerning theology that anyone ever pondered. Theologians will finally be able to reach a plausible... or... logical.... or.... I don't know.... the right conclusion about all those bothersome questions we wrestled with and lost sleep over.

After a day at the university or work or play, everyone goes the the main arena in the capital. Some people prefer to walk there in large groups. Some people like to jump from tree top to tree top. Some like to do back strokes in mid air. Some just like to run there really, really, really fast. By the time they arrive, you'd think they'd have wind burn. They don't.

The most exciting event goes on here. An enormous, jubilant, energetic worship service with everyone from every corner of the New Earth assembled. A parade starts descending down the long aisles of the arena. There are dancers and instrumentalists that are familiar to us when we lived on earth such as African choirs, river dancers, Spaniards on guitars, bag pipes, and blue grass bands. There are also thousands of instruments and styles that are completely different from the norm. The kind of instruments King Jehoshaphat's armies played while marching into battle.

Sometimes there is so much energy and emotion from the music and at other times, the music completely stops, but everyone there is still on fire with love for the Mighty One. Those who were once reluctant hand-raisers are now jumping up and down and shouting constantly.  Tears of joy and loud singing seem to never end. Others may be sitting down with their faces buried in their hands rocking back and forth. Others seem to just stand still and smile with wonder.

Then He comes out and stands the midst of his beloved church. Everyone is completely silent and longing to hear the sound of His voice. He starts to preach.... I mean preach. There has never been anyone so passionate and sincere. The whole place is illuminated and gets brighter and brighter as the people clap and receive revelation and understanding. The love is thick. You can almost touch it. The discouragement and doubt and setbacks that I fought before coming here never came back again after I heard and understood so much truth.

There is a huge feast after the powerful, exciting church service. The food is so delicious and satisfying, sometimes when people eat it, tears run down their face. There's no limit. People usually go back for twenty-eth helpings. After you're ready to stop eating, there's an extravagant ballroom with a full orchestra and choirs of angels. Evening gowns and tuxedos are there for everyone. When I put on a dress here, in Heaven, I don't feel a hint of self-consciousness. My King is enthralled and ravished by me. We dance together all evening. No romantic moment I could ever imagine compares with this.

He is my treasure, my reward, my confidence, and my desire. The best thing about Heaven will be Him. The one who made a way for me to be with Him. He is the only way and the only fulfillment. All of my sin and regret and condemnation is dissolved because of His sacrifice.

When I get to Heaven, I will be with Him.

But until then, I'll wait for Him. I will serve Him and worship Him here. I will compel other people to chase after Him because He is the only way to eternal life. It is impossible to be good enough to deserve life in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Where are you going after your life here is over? You don't want to miss Heaven. Please. Give your life to Jesus and follow Him for the rest of your days. He has promises for you.

YES! THAT'S IT!

Rio San Juan, Nicaragua.

I was 16 and I wanted to play soccer with my mission team friends and some natives. But I couldn't. My stomach was hurting and I was bummed. Instead of kicking a ball around with Nicaraguans, I had to sit on the side of the field beside one of the main dirt roads in the town. It was just me sitting there wishing that I wasn't. I would occasionally look behind me to watch people walk along the walk way, wondering if that big fat pig was still wallowing in mud pit in the middle of the road.

At a distance I saw a small, beautiful Nicaraguan girl wearing a pink dress and carrying an open umbrella. She walked closer and closer to me. She gave out a big proud greeting.

"Hola!"
I couldn't resist. "Hola! Como te llamas? (Hi, what's your name?)
"Rosa!" she said as she sat down beside me.
Pretty soon children kept coming. Boys and girls. The boys were just getting out of school and they were wearing there nice, white button up shirts and dress shorts.

We all sat in a circle and I talked to them in my broken Spanish. I don't remember everything we talked about, but I remember singing songs in Spanish like "Abre Mis Ojos" (Open the Eyes of My Heart Lord) and this one that has been a kid's ministry staple in my church:

"I like bananas
I think that mangoes are sweet
I like papayas
But nothing can beat that sweet love of God" (but we sang it in Spanish and did crazy hand motions)

I still remember some of their names: Rosa, Jamalise, Pablo, and... well that's all I remember. But that time under that tree was ten times better than getting to play soccer.

Sapporo, Japan

I was 19, eating some Japanese food and drinking weird tea. I looked up to see my youth pastor talking to the senior pastor of the church and pointing at me. What?

Later on, my youth pastor approached me to let me know that I was teaching kids church the next Sunday. What? I nodded my head and said, "Yeah, okay. I can do that. Sounds fun." He told me that he wouldn't be there, in fact, no one on the mission team would be there with me. I nodded my head again. What? I don't even speak Japanese. What am I even gonna talk about to a bunch of kids who don't speak my language? 

Sunday rolled around. My mission team prayed for me before the long van ride to some random church an hour away. I was in the back seat praying under my breath non-stop and reading the Bible--not because what I was reading was what I was teaching about, but just because it was the Bible. We got to the church and piled in the tiny sanctuary (a 50 people-sized one). After every worship song I begged God that the team would play another. C'mon, c'mon. Another one! Please! But one time, the band ended a song and started walking back to their seats. Great. It's time now. 

I got to meet the woman who would translate for me. Her name was Atsko. We walked with the group of kids down the street to the play ground on the other side. There was a cute gazebo in the middle of the playground. Atsko said something in Japanese and all the kids ran to sit down under the gazebo. She introduced me to the kids and then I started talking. I would say one sentence in English, pause, and let Atsko translate for me. I forgot what I started to say, but I remember bringing a piece of flash paper with the Japanese character for "sin" (sumi) written on it.

"This is what God's love can do to your sin." I struck a lighter, held the flame to the edge of the paper, and threw it in the air. It disappeared in front of their eyes.

I told them more about Satan and how he wants to steal joy from their hearts when bad things happen, but God can give them a new heart and take away the sin that ruins their lives.

Atsko raised her voice and asked them something in Japanese. The response was overwhelming. All but two kids raised up their hands and shouted "HI!" which means "yes."
She turned to me and said, "I asked them if they want God to give them a new heart. They said yes. Do you want to lead them in a prayer?" I said that she could.

That day, little Japanese children started a relationship with Jesus.

I've had lots of other experiences like those with children from the U.S.

When I think about all those sweet times I've got to play and sing and talk about Jesus to kids, I think "Hm, maybe this is something I wanna do for the rest of my life."

Maybe I wanna fill up kids minds with crazy ideas like the God of the whole universe cares about you and your tummy aches. He wants you to have fun and love growing up. I want to make them believe that they can change the world and be missionaries even if they're 9 years old. Who cares?

Yeah... I just might do that.

Pretty Boys Can Preach Too

He is disgustingly perfect. His Facebook profile is filled with selfies showing off his carefully thought-through hair style. His painted-on shirt and pants don't hide his carved biceps and chiseled legs. His dazzling teeth are multiple sets of identical twins. His face is that of an angel. He has almost 5,000 Facebook friends. He's a model, you know what I mean?

We all know at least one of these people in our lives. Whether we worship the grass they walk on or scoff at them, we think they're all the same.

This guy loves Jesus. Well, that's not that exceptional. I know hundreds of people who do that in this Bible-Belt culture we live in--that's easy. So why I am choosing him to be the topic of this blog post?

Even though it's obvious that he's really into himself, his status updates are ALWAYS about him getting ready to preach a sermon, the number of salvations and healings he saw that evening, the mission trips he takes that he requests prayer for, and lots of other godly stuff like that. When I watch his videos of him telling a story about how he prayed for a woman in a hair salon that brought her to tears and changed her life, I don't want to shoot him down anymore just because he's a pretty boy/yuppy.

The fact is, people are following Jesus because of this guy. And even though I'm still really suspicious of his motives, that fact trumps everything.

One time, Paul from the New Testament in the Bible wrote this while he was in prison:

"Those others do not have pure motives as they preach about Christ. They preach with selfish ambition, not sincerely, intending to make my chains more painful to me. But that doesn't matter. Whether their motives are false or genuine, the message about Christ is being preached either way, so I rejoice."  -Philippians 2:17, 18


I'm not God. I can't judge pretty boys for be narcissists. And I can't judge said "pretty people" who have affluent ministries, mega churches with up-beat worship music, fancy cars, annual trips to Europe, and expensive name-brand clothes. But I can judge them by the fruit of their ministry.

The Joe Smoe's who have sidewalk churches for homeless people, who smell like oil and have matted hair shouldn't be judged either. Nor should they be praised for doing it "the right way." John the Baptist sure was one of those people. He wore camel hair and ate bugs dipped in honey. Weird. But Jesus said he was one of the big reasons that the Gospel was spreading so quickly. He even said he's the greatest man that ever lived.

It kind of doesn't matter what you look like or smell like or drive. "Wisdom is shown to be right by its results." That's what Jesus said (Matthew 11:19). You know someone is the real deal if they're winning people to the Kingdom of God.

So here's to you Jesus-lovin', Gospel-preachin', people-healin', dead-raisin' pretty boys of the world. And here's to you sin-convictin', firy-preachin', hornet nest-stirrin' grizzly men of the world. Jesus is very, very pleased with you.

Christmas is Special

Christmas means a lot more when you tell other people about it. Today in a couple of my classes, I let my students listen to "Away in a Manger."  

Since the two classes are focused on listening comprehension, they had to listen to the song and fill in the blanks with the correct word. We talked about what it means and why people in the U.S. celebrate Christmas.

It's been a while since I felt a special place for Christmas in my heart. I've understood why it's important, but I didn't feel it. Today was the first time in a long time I felt that special feeling about it. I used to feel excited because it meant I would find that Barbie Beetle Bug under the tree. Now, I'm just starting to really understand why people get so excited about it. There's a deeper emotion that wasn't in me before.

Sharing that with people who don't understand or have never heard it before makes Christmas more meaningful.

Dark Night Rises

This is a post about the past year of my life--what Jesus pulled me into and then pulled me right back out of. It's why I went almost a whole year without posting a blog and why people would ask me how life was going.

It was my first year of graduate school and the start of my fifth year in my campus ministry, Christ Ambassadors. Without going into much detail... because I really don't remember many details... I don't remember events--it was all a blur. I can just remember how I felt--numb. I would go to church, morning prayer, bible study, lunch with friends, the park, on the back steps of Pogue library (my favorite place on campus) all without vibrancy or vigor or passion. Several times, I would sit in church listening to the pastor give his sermon and afterwards hear my friends talk about how much it meant to them. I had nothing to say. I learned nothing because I had heard that message only seventeen times before. Often times, I'd open my Bible, read it, and then think to myself, "Well... that's what it says..."

I remember making myself list the good reasons why I should go hang out with people or how much I didn't want to go to an outreach event, but made myself go anyway. The only place I wanted to be was in my room laying in my bed talking to Jesus and sometimes weeping because life was bland and colorless and I had lost my desire to dig deep and enjoy life as it was. I felt as if God was so far away because I had lost the feeling of his powerful presence. When I did feel his presence, it was like a light mist of rain, teasing and taunting me with the chance of an intense rainstorm that never came. Life was pretty dry.

I really believe God made me to love adventure and new experiences. Boredom, monotony, and repetition are my worst enemies. Since life was boring, monotonous, and repetitive beyond all reason, I got discouraged and lost confidence. I wasn't able to be satisfied with a task I performed or my choice of clothes that day. Even when people complimented me, it was like salt to a wound. I just preferred if I felt awkward about the unsatisfactory job I believe I did without someone trying to make me feel better about it.

This regression of the meaning of life continued for a long time. I had no idea what was happening to me. Was I in sin? Was it something I said the other day? Seriously, Lord. When are you coming back?! I just wanna go to Heaven.

So, then... another monotonous thing I do every December is go to a conference with my campus ministry. I won't lie, I kinda enjoyed it like I usually do, but there was one time where God decided to tell me what was going on. I was in the prayer room in the conference center and there was a small group of people offering prophetic prayer. I thought, "Why not?"

One of the girls prayed with me for a minute and then she started sharing what she felt like God was saying:

"I don't know how much you know about gardening, but a lot of times when a plant is grown, a good gardener will water away from the plant so the roots can expand and grow deeper. So, maybe your life seems dry right now, but God wants you to know that he is expanding you and stretching you to grow even deeper in Him."

Wow. It made perfect sense. She said other really meaningful things including that God will take me on adventures. YES! ADVENTURES! What I live for!

The next five or six months after this... life was still dry, but I had hope. Occasionally, Jesus would encourage me through things said by my campus pastors, in books, and through Scripture:

Isaiah 50:10
"Who among you fears the LORD? Who obeys the voice of His Servant? Who walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on God."

Saint John of the Cross talks about this verse in his book called Dark Night of the Soul. I haven't read it, but in another book it makes a reference to this concept. Believers face this season of life where things seem numb and God feels distant and there is no light. It's when God is doing something in the most intrinsic parts of our soul--like surgery. And during the surgery, the patient is experiencing the effects of anesthesia.

In another book, I read a quote from Dark Night of the Soul: "Oh then, spiritual soul, when you see your appetites darkened, your inclinations dry and constrained, your faculties incapacitated for any interior exercise, do not be afflicted; think of this as a grace, since God is freeing you from yourself and taking from you your own activity."

I was so relieved at this revelation. Again, life was still dry, but at least I understood what was happening and that it was important to Jesus for me to go through this.

Finally, the day came when I felt the Niagara falls of freedom. It was after the first week of being in Allegan, Michigan during my training to be a cabin leader at Camp Beechpoint. I was laying in the tire swing of the playground facing the beautiful scene of Lake Dumont. I quietly wispered to the Lord, "So this is it" and I began to cry tears of overwhelming joy and freedom. Life had meaning again and I was able to believe deep in my soul that what I was doing--leading children to Christ--had great purpose.

I have never felt so much freedom and confidence in my entire life. Creativity, wisdom, pleasure, grace, peace, passion, and humor flowed from me. I would wake up without an alarm clock every day... early in the morning to watch the sunrise, hike through the woods, trudge through the shore of the lake, build a sand castle, play piano in the chapel, or watch the fog creep over the stillness of the lake with Jesus--loving his presence and receiving strength that I needed for that day.

And now I'm looking forward to the best semester I have ever experienced.

The Mundane Mystery

This morning I opened my eyes and thought I could hear you singing
You were right where you were when I drifted into a deep dreaming
Thoughts about the day before zip into history
You tell me, “Child, you’re about to dive into a wonderful mystery.”

What could possibly happen? Is every day the same?
Do I not just experience a perpetual game?
Is it like an overused math equation?
A cookie-cutter, cook book, common occasion?

Go to prayer, then to class, at my job say “Mornin’, Mary,”
Grab some grub, exercise, hike to the library
Write a paper, memorize all the books I can carry
After that, Bible study, hang out and make merry

Yes, that’s my plan for this glorious day
Maybe you’re giggling at what I say.
You touch my hand, smirking pleasantly
All at once, my mind floods with creative possibility

What if my roommate shares one of her peculiar dreams
That makes us roar with laughter as loud as screams
While I brush my teeth and slide on my Keds
And make sure my hair doesn’t look like dreds

What if someone prays out loud a prayer that makes me smile
Or a faith-building statement I haven’t heard in a while?
I could pray for my youth pastor who moved to Uganda
And that you’d provide money for my friend to fix their Honda

What if the guy in my class sees I’m not a religious bigot
Just because I wear a Jesus shirt and people don’t dig it
If his realization strikes a conversation
I’d speak with love and truth, not condemnation

What if in the library while studying Spanish numerals
I listen to my iPod, maybe Lecrae or Josh Garrels
And I stop to think about the meaningful lyrics
To rid my mind of the chaotic thought mix

What if I decide to sit on the back steps of Pogue
To read those ancient words you wrote
Would I feel you close to me?
Holding me and whispering gently?

Would I melt right there in your holy presence?
Would I get the feeling of spontaneous effervescence?
Could I picture your heavenly face and feel the holes in your hands?
Would I realize through my tears that you are all my heart demands?

What if I got up and walked on to the next event of the day?
Would I still carry that same presence anyway?
Could I pray for people and see them healed?
Could you use these hands, these actions, these words to have your truth revealed?

What if people wondered about the mysterious splendor
That you put inside my heart when I chose to surrender?
Would they walk right past
Or would they approach me and ask?

I realize you have something more in mind
Than this attitude of the mundane that makes me blind
You already planned today
So now I want to go your way

This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Fifteen

things I want to say about this season of life.

Disclaimer: This is the most transparent (or, arguably, ambiguous) I've been able to be publicly. I tend to make myself look "all together" or under control or strong or whatever you call it. This time I tried to be honest and clean cut.

1. I'm getting tired of looking for fulfillment in things and people only to realize again that Jesus is my source. It starts with Him first.

2. I'm a 21 year old kid with arthritis in my wrist. I've been praying for healing for almost two years. My Daddy's gonna fix it.

3. My future is going to rock. I just need to really believe that.

4. I am almost to the point of being completely burned out on music... and singing in the shower.

5. I'm so needy. Jesus, hold my hand.

6. On most days, I feel like Ecclesiastes chapter 1.

7. I want to go to Uganda, too!

8. Most of the time, I have nothing to say or I don't know what to say. And when I have something to say, I don't know how to say it.

9. What happened to the "AWE?"

10. My parents are the best. My brother is nice to me. My cousins miss me. My aunt pays for my movie passes. My Papaw is just down right golden. Thank you, Lord.

11. I know a lot of people who don't know Jesus. What I am I supposed to do?

12. Thoughts, stay out of my heart.

13. I have my major for a reason. If I win just one soul, it's worth the 4 years.

14. I don't feel beautiful, but I am. I am.

15. Lord, I don't understand. All I understand is that you love me.



Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

What am I doing here?

For about a week now, I've been thinking about a dream I had right before I moved to college. It's one of those dreams that you just won't forget about, especially when you want to always ask the question, "Why I am here?" or "What am I doing?" and especially "What am I going to do with my life?"

My dream was something like this: I was sitting in a theater watching a play that my cousin was performing in. During the play, there were a lot of awkward pauses. Sometimes the characters would turn and talk to someone who was not there to listen. When intermission began, I went back stage to talk with my cousin. I asked her, "What's up with the way the show is going? Seems like it's missing a lot."

She told me, "It's because you're not on stage. You have a part in this. How come you're not out there saying those lines you're supposed to be reciting?"

I had no idea I had a part in this play. I was shocked.

My dream, as I like to think, was God telling me, "I'm putting you here, at this specific college campus, for a reason. Play you're part."

Now, I'm on my last year of school. At this point, I'm almost absolutely sure that I'm not going to pursue a career with my undergraduate degree. (I'm gonna do something else really awesome. Don't you worry.) You may ask, "Why stick with a major that you're not even going to use?"

I don't know. Go ask your dad.

The answer to that question is this: I follow Jesus and his peace rules in my heart (Col 3:15). I trust Him to put me where I'm supposed to be. It's harder than it's ever been before, but right now, I'm hanging on to the truth that I have PURPOSE. Sometimes things just seem meaningless, but I'm here doing what I'm doing for a good enough reason to keep going.

Even if things don't seem to make sense to you presently, if you trust in God's plan and let him lead you by peace, you can be confident that you are where you need to be and you have PURPOSE.