This is a post about the past year of my life--what Jesus pulled me into and then pulled me right back out of. It's why I went almost a whole year without posting a blog and why people would ask me how life was going.
It was my first year of graduate school and the start of my fifth year in my campus ministry, Christ Ambassadors. Without going into much detail... because I really don't remember many details... I don't remember events--it was all a blur. I can just remember how I felt--numb. I would go to church, morning prayer, bible study, lunch with friends, the park, on the back steps of Pogue library (my favorite place on campus) all without vibrancy or vigor or passion. Several times, I would sit in church listening to the pastor give his sermon and afterwards hear my friends talk about how much it meant to them. I had nothing to say. I learned nothing because I had heard that message only seventeen times before. Often times, I'd open my Bible, read it, and then think to myself, "Well... that's what it says..."
I remember making myself list the good reasons why I should go hang out with people or how much I didn't want to go to an outreach event, but made myself go anyway. The only place I wanted to be was in my room laying in my bed talking to Jesus and sometimes weeping because life was bland and colorless and I had lost my desire to dig deep and enjoy life as it was. I felt as if God was so far away because I had lost the feeling of his powerful presence. When I did feel his presence, it was like a light mist of rain, teasing and taunting me with the chance of an intense rainstorm that never came. Life was pretty dry.
I really believe God made me to love adventure and new experiences. Boredom, monotony, and repetition are my worst enemies. Since life was boring, monotonous, and repetitive beyond all reason, I got discouraged and lost confidence. I wasn't able to be satisfied with a task I performed or my choice of clothes that day. Even when people complimented me, it was like salt to a wound. I just preferred if I felt awkward about the unsatisfactory job I believe I did without someone trying to make me feel better about it.
This regression of the meaning of life continued for a long time. I had no idea what was happening to me. Was I in sin? Was it something I said the other day? Seriously, Lord. When are you coming back?! I just wanna go to Heaven.
So, then... another monotonous thing I do every December is go to a conference with my campus ministry. I won't lie, I kinda enjoyed it like I usually do, but there was one time where God decided to tell me what was going on. I was in the prayer room in the conference center and there was a small group of people offering prophetic prayer. I thought, "Why not?"
One of the girls prayed with me for a minute and then she started sharing what she felt like God was saying:
"I don't know how much you know about gardening, but a lot of times when a plant is grown, a good gardener will water away from the plant so the roots can expand and grow deeper. So, maybe your life seems dry right now, but God wants you to know that he is expanding you and stretching you to grow even deeper in Him."
Wow. It made perfect sense. She said other really meaningful things including that God will take me on adventures. YES! ADVENTURES! What I live for!
The next five or six months after this... life was still dry, but I had hope. Occasionally, Jesus would encourage me through things said by my campus pastors, in books, and through Scripture:
Isaiah 50:10
"Who among you fears the LORD? Who obeys the voice of His Servant? Who walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on God."
Saint John of the Cross talks about this verse in his book called Dark Night of the Soul. I haven't read it, but in another book it makes a reference to this concept. Believers face this season of life where things seem numb and God feels distant and there is no light. It's when God is doing something in the most intrinsic parts of our soul--like surgery. And during the surgery, the patient is experiencing the effects of anesthesia.
In another book, I read a quote from Dark Night of the Soul: "Oh then, spiritual soul, when you see your appetites darkened, your inclinations dry and constrained, your faculties incapacitated for any interior exercise, do not be afflicted; think of this as a grace, since God is freeing you from yourself and taking from you your own activity."
I was so relieved at this revelation. Again, life was still dry, but at least I understood what was happening and that it was important to Jesus for me to go through this.
Finally, the day came when I felt the Niagara falls of freedom. It was after the first week of being in Allegan, Michigan during my training to be a cabin leader at Camp Beechpoint. I was laying in the tire swing of the playground facing the beautiful scene of Lake Dumont. I quietly wispered to the Lord, "So this is it" and I began to cry tears of overwhelming joy and freedom. Life had meaning again and I was able to believe deep in my soul that what I was doing--leading children to Christ--had great purpose.
I have never felt so much freedom and confidence in my entire life. Creativity, wisdom, pleasure, grace, peace, passion, and humor flowed from me. I would wake up without an alarm clock every day... early in the morning to watch the sunrise, hike through the woods, trudge through the shore of the lake, build a sand castle, play piano in the chapel, or watch the fog creep over the stillness of the lake with Jesus--loving his presence and receiving strength that I needed for that day.
And now I'm looking forward to the best semester I have ever experienced.
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