What do I want the most?

I started writing down a bunch of questions to serve as writing prompts for myself (because I really don't like journaling about daily stuff).

This is the first one I've chosen.

It's not really an easy question to answer. I could answer it by emphasizing that it's wrong to desire temporary things when for years of my life, I've pondered how those things are not worth pursuing. At least not where eternity is concerned. But no matter how much that truth has been trudging through the labyrinth of my mind, it seems like it's still finding it's way to my soul. I always find myself wanting.

"This is not enough." "That's not what I imagined it to be." "Am I good enough?" "Am I intelligent?" "Am I beautiful?" "Am I a good person?" "Do they accept me?" "Am I doing enough good things?"

These inconspicuous questions permeate my life and I don't have to force myself to think and act on them. It seems like my inherent mission in life is to make people happy with me. Even as a two-year-old, I would arbitrarily ask mom and dad, "Are you happy?" I'm not sure if I wanted to know if they were happy with me or just if they were happy in general. Of course, I don't remember asking this, but this question was obviously emerging internally without an external cause.

So what do I want the most? I think, just like every single human on the planet who has ever lived, whether they were being truthful about it or not; I.... we... we all want an applause.

We want people to recognize our desirable personality traits, our pretentious intelligence, our physical attractiveness, and our new clothes we bought last week. We want money, status, talent, experiences, degrees, cars, houses, trophy spouses, and beautiful children.

For what?

So someone will stop and say, "Hey! Great job at life!" I know this is absolutely true for me. I really want to be perfect so I can like myself and impress a boat load of people. What if I stopped trying to be perfect and started to understand that I have the applause of One person? Why isn't the applause of God what I chase after?

I think I'm gradually learning and understanding what His approval feels like and I'm learning about it by facing rejection.

When I'm just not good enough, I have to choose to step away from the pit of self-loathing and sit in His lap. When I'm forgotten, I have to give up my resentment and jealousy so I can take on the awareness of His consistent presence. When I'm misunderstood and the feelings of utter loneliness ensue, I hear Him say "I know you." When I completely fail and I deserve the deepest shame and humiliation, He places a crown of splendor on my head.

What do I want the most?
I want approval from the One who loves perfectly.